suppressthedark

Ichigo?

[that partner sure was looking for him, and had been every since the vacation motives appeared on their tablets. but, having completely ignore the request for a vacation on his own tablet, he's managed to find his way here. he's standing in the doorway of the art room, hand resting on the wall, staring at Ichigo in obvious alarm]

Hey. . .!

[and then he's pushing himself away from the entrance, crossing the room, and reaching out to drop his hand on his fellow captive's shoulder. whatever caused this. . . well. it looked like Ichigo needed a moment]

[He jerks in shock when Akira touches him, looking up wide eyed as tears fall - but only for a moment before he reaches out and tries to hug Akira, burying his face into the other teenager's torso.

He's so tired of crying - he's cried more here than he has in years - but that 'vacation' literally wrenched open a wound that was only half healed, the wound that scarred his heart the most.

He doesn't speak, but when he does, it's muffled and filled with pain, guilt, and anger-]

I...I hate this place. I hate it....

[Ichigo's taller than him by two inches, so he'll have to duck a bit to accomplish that. but. . . Akira allows it. despite the bewilderment, despite the concern, he lets Ichigo lean into him and press his nose against his chest. this isn't the first time Akira's seen him cry, after all]

[his expression flickers, something akin to pain and anger sparking in the backs of his eyes, before he slides his arms around his fellow captive's shoulders to draw him close. to hold him, while he rides out the worst of those sobs]

[what happened?]

Hey. . .

[Akira's voice is quiet. even, but low, meant for Ichigo's ears only. he sucks in a sharp, shaky breath, letting it out slowly as he responds]

. . . yeah. I do, too.

[Well he's also sitting, so that does help - Ignore that I forgot to specify that little detail.

Ichigo clutches at the fabric on the back of Akira's shirt, crying in a way that's even more broken than the time he cried after Niles' execution - because the pain he's drawing from is much more deep, much older and more close to the core of his psyche. Seeing his mother happy, alive - seeing his family happy, together....it slammed him back into that guilt he always carries with him, the knowledge that he was responsible for the events that led to his mother's death -

"Big words, from a boy who killed his mother."

He physically flinches as Yhwach's voice echoes in his head, lifting his face from akira's chest to breathe.]

I hate it...I hate those goddamn raccoons!

[The fury and venom in his voice is shocking to hear - he hasn't reached this level of hate since he's been here - but it's warrented, for them to show him that impossible vision of happiness and then yank it away from him, a single motive to kill someone tonight...

He can't bear it. He can't Forgive it.]

I want to tear their fucking operator apart! Where the hell...Where the hell do they get off, showing people things like that?! I...I...!

Mom...!

[Akira doesn't move at all. not during Ichigo's sobbing, not when he lifts his head to gulp down a mouthful of air and curse the raccoons. he doesn't flinch at that fury, at that venom, at that bitterness. if anything, it just stokes the flames already burning deep in his own heart. brings them closer to the surface, to where they threaten to burst loose and consume everything around him]

[he's gotten good at putting a lid on that, though. especially now, when someone else is relying on him to be strong. so he swallows thickly, tightens his hold, and presses his nose against the top of Ichigo's head. just like last time]

[it's that last word that causes him to freeze up, though]

They showed you-- [a bit incredulous] -- your mom?

[and now it's all pretty damn clear: Ichigo's crying because of the "vacation." and in that vacation. . . he saw his mother]

Yes.

[He makes a soft sound - something between a whine and a groan, remembering her touch, her smile - it'd all felt so real, that happiness that surrounded him like a warm blanket, surrounded his entire family.]

...What she would've looked like if she was still alive. That she talked to me, hugged me, I -

[He's trembling like a leaf, not sobbing, but nearly coming apart with the force of his emotions.]

They showed me dad, Karin, Yuzu...everyone was happy. Everyone was so happy. Because mom was there, and I - I'm the one who took that from them!

[The glimpse of what might have been, had she not died, had he not run towards that girl on the riverbank, trying to protect the people in front of him -

It breaks down that final barrier in his heart, and he lets loose with something he's never told anyone, the feelings and guilt that not even his family got to see.]

Why...?! Why didn't I die that night?! Why did she have to die because of me?! If she was alive, then...then-!

[The next words are ripped out of his throat in a scream, one filled with years of guilt, regret, self-hate, and an ocean of pain.]

I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE WHO DIED!

[holy shit]

[Akira jerks back so suddenly that he probably almost drags Ichigo out of the chair with him. but in an instant, he's crouching to Ichigo's level, hands clutching his shoulders tightly, knuckles white]

Don't say that!

[he's not yelling, but his words are laced with authority and firmness. a leadery voice, one he hasn't had much need to break out in murder school. until now]

I don't know what happened, but whatever it was, it wasn't your fault. Okay? Whatever happened-- I'm sure your mom wanted you to live.

Isn't that a gift worth making something of?

[Akira isn't exactly known for mincing words, when the time calls for it]

[He hears those words - the tone, it's all things he's heard before, even from his father's mouth - but he furiously shakes his head, his expression turning into one of the deepest self-hatred.]

It was my fault that she died! I was the one who ran towards that riverbank, because I thought I could help a little girl - even when all she was was just a lure that a hollow put out!

[That shaking intensifies, somehow, tears spilling down from his eyes again as he relives that rainy night.]

I ran towards it like an idiot - and my mom was the one who paid for it! She didn't have her powers then, and I couldn't tell the living from the dead! So she ran towards it, and -

[His hands ball so tightly into fists that his nails dig into his palms, breaking the skin.]

-and she died! Not just her body, but the hollow ate her soul! I'll never - my family will never, ever get to see her again because of what I did, and it's my fucking fault, Akira! IT'S MY FAULT!

[ah. . .]

[this is so, so much deeper than Akira originally thought]

[the intensity of those words, the certainty of that guilt, has Akira reeling back in surprise, eyes widening. for a moment, he lets Ichigo's words hang in the air, like the chime of a bell that can't be reversed. he knows what he can say-- he can encourage Ichigo to stop blaming himself, to throw out every single logical argument for why it wasn't a nine-year-old kid's fault his mother died. he can tell Ichigo to make something of his mother's last loving gift, that it's selfish to feel this way when his mom clearly had so many hopes and aspirations for him]

[but he knows one of those will work. not for something this deep. not for something this painful]

[so he makes it personal instead]

I isn't your fault!

[Akira reiterates that, for good measure. just to make sure it's known. and then his hands slide from Ichigo's shoulders to his face, framing either cheek as Akira catches brow with his own gray, stormy gaze]

And even if you blame yourself. . . even if you feel like, deep down, it shouldn't been you? I know one thing-- [a breath. he drops the leadery, firm tone for something. . . softer]

I'm really glad you're alive.

Because if you weren't, I never would've met you.

Edited 2017-12-31 04:00 (UTC)

[When Akira says it isn't his fault again, his head snaps back up, taking in a breath to deny it again, angry that Akira doesn't get it, that he's the one responsible -

Hands frame his face, that warmth soaking into him as Akira's fingers brush against the tracks of tears on his face, a warmth that reminds him of when he was the happiest in his life. Akira switches to that soft voice, those words -

And it's like the tension, the burning pain in his body just - snaps, releasing the pressure. Again, he finds himself in awe of how easily Akira seems to be able to read him, able to ease his pain and help him with just a few words, even when he sees the worst parts of him - the pain and self-loathing carved onto his heart that Ichigo won't let heal.

And he accepts it.

Ah....no wonder, he thinks to himself, as he closes his eyes and leans forward into that touch, staring into those gray eyes. Of course I'd fall in love with him.

His hands unfurl, marks from his nails digging into his palms visible as he reaches out to bring Akira into a hug - this time, keeping his head above the other teenager's, pressing a hand to the back of his head.]

...I'm glad I met you, too.

[He is. He doesn't think he'd be able to take being here if Akira wasn't here with him, and persisted in getting so close, and his gratitude and his love shining through in those words.

He's not going to ask for it to be reciprocated - he doesn't feel like he deserves it. But he's just - so, so glad that Akira is there, even in this horrible place.

...Even in this horrible place...

A lance of cold fear up his spine makes him hug a little tighter, the knowledge of that half of their number will be reduced before all of this is over.]

Akira...

[His voice trembles, and for once - for the first time - Ichigo lets his mask fully fall.]

I'm...I'm so scared, Akira. I don't - I don't want anyone to die, but I know I can't stop it, and I...

...It reminds me. It reminds me of waking up on the riverbed, with - with her body on top of me...every time these goddamn nights come again. And I'm terrified, because - What if I wake up and it's Illya, or Dazai, or Rin?

What if I wake up one day, and....and it's you?

[Akira's expression softens when the thread of tension snaps, and Ichigo pushes himself forward to pull him into a proper hug. he returns it wholeheartedly and without restraint, grip tight and warm and snug. the height difference is definitely something to get used to, but. . .]

[well. Akira doesn't mind it. he doesn't really mind the way those words bring a spring of warmth in his chest, either. god. it was almost funny how a murder school could nurture and grow confidants-- and feelings-- so quickly]

[the last part puts a bit of a damper on the warmth of this hug, but Akira keeps his smile, even though it turns a bit lopsided. a bit rueful. Akira himself had been so damn focused on getting everyone out that what Ichigo's speaks of hadn't even crossed his mind. but now that it's there?]

[he isn't naive. he's determined, and stubborn, but not stupid. he knows none of them can make a promise to not die. not here]

You can't let fear hold you back, Ichigo.

[he mumbles, nose pressed against the taller boy's shoulder]

It's all right to be afraid. But we need to keep fighting.

[It helps. It helps to know that Akira is always, always there for him when he stumbles, when he's overwhelmed - he just wants to be able to repay that someday, when Akira needs his support.

Because he knows that Akira can't keep it all bottled away for long. Experience alone has taught him that, especially when they have all of these stresses battering against them each and every day.]

I know.

[He takes in a breath - and from his position, Akira can probably hear the beating of Ichigo's heart, strong and steady, having calmed down considerably from just finally admitting his fears.

Deep in his heart, he wants Akira to promise that he won't die, but...he knows that's not one he can keep. It's not even one Ichigo can make, because he knows how weak he is when someone gains his trust and how easily he can be stabbed in the back.

So he just holds on, letting himself be soothed by the warmth contained as they hold each other.]

...That's why we're going to do our best to end this tonight, right?

[Determination leeches back into his voice, his grip becoming firmer - and over Akira's head, his eyes gain the same look in them as he would have facing down someone in battle.]

We're not going to let them have the chance do to this again.

Edited 2017-12-31 05:34 (UTC)

We're not just going to do our best.

[his arms slide up, curling underneath Ichigo's arms, around his shoulders]

We're going to end it tonight.

[no ifs, ands, or buts. in Akira's mind? this is as far as this game goes. it might be cocky, it might be arrogant of him to think this much, but]

[determination is only one part of the battle]

[There it is - that unshakable confidence that he admires. The hug when he declares it only cements it in Ichigo's mind, and he makes a sound of agreement, since he can't really nod at the moment.]

Right. We will.

[But, sadly, they've hugged enough - and Ichigo lets him go, wiping at his face with his hand, smiling sheepishly.]

...Sorry that I keep crying on you, Akira.

[It's embarrassing, but...it's also good to know that Akira doesn't judge him for it.]

[Ichigo lets go, but Akira doesn't go far, keeping his hands resting against his friend's upper arms. by the time they're facing each other again, Akira's intense expression has faded]

Mmm. . . no. It isn't something to apologize for.

You can lean on me anytime, Ichigo.

[He sniffs a little, clearing his plugged nose from crying as he gives a lopsided grin in return.]

Alright. And you can lean on me too, okay? We're both in this together.

[Because to him, they were partners - Nakama.]

...Did you get what you needed to make for tonight?

[He remembers them talking about that in the cafeteria, anyway.]

[his grin returns, and he pulls one hand back to bump arms with Ichigo in a showing of solitary. BROTHERS IN ARMS, REMEMBER?]

Of course. I made a bunch of lockpicks, and-- ah. . .

[a pause]

I've been carrying around a kitchen knife ever since they appeared, and a scalpel ever since Akechi and I explored the nurse's office. Don't tell anyone, all right?

Lockpic - oh right, the Phantom Thief thing.

[That's a pretty interesting thing to be able to make!! Somehow, he's more surprised than he should be.

At the mention of the weapons, Ichigo just gives a wry smile.]

Don't worry, I won't. I've got a broadsword I picked out of the weapons closet, even if it is covered in glitter.

The Phantom Thief thing.

[he grins, fingers dipping into his pockets to pull out one of those homemade lock picks. IT'S LEGIT]

That's why I didn't go for the daggers in the closet. Too much glitter; people would know I'm armed.

[Looks legit to him! He won't question it.]

Right - element of surprise and everything. I'm more straightforward, so I just wear it out in the open when I feel like I should.

[Because he's not going to hide that he can fight back if someone tries to kill him, after all.]

Are we going to hit one of the locked places around here, or wait until they reveal anything interesting tonight?

[They're alone, this technically isn't public.]

You're a shinigami. To most everyone here? I'm just a normal, high school coffee-addict.

[okay well a few people know about his personas, but less people know about Joker, so]

I want to hit up one of the locked rooms. If they open something up to us willingly, then it's obvious there's nothing exciting or helpful in there, right?

Yeah, fair enough.

[Sometimes he forgot about it, honestly...that he was one of the few that knew about Akira's 'double-life', as it were.]

That your instincts as a thief talking?

[said with a teasing grin!]

But yeah, good idea. There's a bunch of closed off classrooms, but I'm not sure they'd have anything in there that'd help us out.

[a flash of a grin, sharp and confident]

My instincts as a thief talking.

[taps two fingers against his temple, and the grin fades]

And you never know. I'd rather leave no stone unturned.

Mm, yeah. I'll defer to you on this one - any time I broke into a place, it was pretty loudly and with a lot of power backing me up.

[He did give akira an abridged history of his shinigami life, which included breaking into soul society and hueco mundo.]

So you'll have to guide me through it.

[AKIRA REMEMBERS]

It won't be quite as intense as a Palace infiltration. [he thinks] So you should have no trouble picking up on the basics.

Well, I know I'll have a good teacher, so that'll help me pick it up pretty quick.

[A grin.]

Here's just hoping we don't run into the Raccoons while doing this.

I don't see what the problem will be if we do.

We aren't about to break any rules.

Day 10

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